Cathartic Revelations...and other waking nightmares

I've been undergoing a detox for about four days now.
It's been prempted by some yucky feelings. Bit of self-loathing going on and a bit of soul-mining, which can always be a little painful. I consider this when I look at an open-cut mining operation and think 'surely this hurts Mumma Earth?'. Just laying bare the layers and exposing them to the elements...things are going to get blown away as dust and detritus...obviously.

This morning after a relatively normal night of sleep-wake-sleep-shuffle-sleep and then the pitch *down* into the subconscious, I found myself having the most purgative experience.

I was in a kind of meeting place, where my children were 'off' with someone else, or a group of kids doing some activity. It felt like a municipal building...like a library with a 'kids play room' or 'facility for learning activities' (or other such inane name for and inside learning place). The decor was dark, royal blue carpet, 'panels' for walls and that aluminium stripping on the connections. Doors with glass inclusions so no-one can do anything without being watched...that kind of place.

I was very, very sad. Not the sort of depression that is from dysfunction or trauma, but a deep apathy, a soul-wrenching ache and a longing to be free of it. I wasn't usually like this, I was angry at this moment.
A lady walked up to me and said "Well, she's like this because you never TAKE her to the Yeronga centre, and she never gets to be with....", she'd kept talking but I'd just put my hands over my ears and began to weep while walking swiftly away. (Yeronga is a suburb in Brisbane where there are colleges and schools, and maybe I've associated this with 'corrective learning')

Then *zip*, and I am in a circle group setting. Other parents are lighting a pizza topped with oil and making the flame go around on top of it to the delight of the kids and adults. All this frivolity and 'learning' about flammability...chemical reactions...oooh the technology... yet I am sitting in the corner so deflated. I am a person who has no air. I am a mother without her children around her. I can't see them. I can't feel them. I can't even sense where they are. My eyes weep tears and I have no control over it. I can't smile I can't even muster a smile or a mask. I am laid bare. Open to the elements around me.

My gaze travels around the group and I meet some concerned eyes, and one woman with dark hair and the sort of face you meet in counselling sessions grabs my focus. She is full of empathy and so worried. The emotion scares the hell out of me but I don't even flinch. I move my gaze onwards and then fall back onto a pillow, weeping from my gut, wrenched out sobs that eventually wake me up.

Oh god, the utter emptiness I felt when I woke.
Near to tears for real and wondering who that sad woman was.
I sense my past and realise I've let a lot of fear go.
I used to be depressed. Clinically depressed. I used to wear a mask and it damaged me.
I used to be that poor poor woman, and she knew what you were thinking of her.

I breathe deeply and pull up the covers. Across the room my little girl shuffles and sighs. I hear my baby boy in the next room wake his Daddy up with a cranky demand and then hear the patter of feet up the hallway.
"MUM! Is morning NOW! MUM! IS MORNING now!" he says, and then snuggles in before saying, "Mummm, get out mine bed! my turn in 'ere".

Smiling, I shift myself out of his bed, and begin the day. Life is good, even if you're woken up in this manner.

Vegan and Gluten Free...otherwise known as VGF (verygoodfood) - Part 1

Hi!
Been a while...its now 2013 and its February...how time flies.
Quick update...Chinut is gluten intolerant...oh yes indeedy :\
How does one 'find out' that they are gluten intolerant? It begins with denying the fact that every time you eat bread or similar, you experience awful wrenching pains across the diaphragm, up the esophagus and get a smashing headache and sweats to go with it. Yes, for a while there (a long while actually) I'd considered that it must be eggs, or butter, or a combination of eggs and toast with butter, so I'd try 'no butter' and still get a reaction...so I tried 'no eggs' and I still got a reaction. Finally (oh dear me, yes, it takes a while for the light to dawn...) I tried 'no bread', but I told myself it was so I could actually lose some extra flab because admitting that the pain was caused by bread was like telling my best friend they were a bad influence on me...just a hard thing to do.

So bread was eliminated and I went on to feel marvelous. I lost a stack of weighty flab from my bod. I felt so much better! The peri-oral dermatitis I'd had flaring very very badly even went down. These subtle and not-so-subtle indications of my body's massive internal imbalance, helped me to stay bread free for some time. Though, contradictorily, I did not want to admit I had gluten intolerance. It seemed like a weakness to me. It seemed to me that I'd have to admit 'something was wrong with me'...

I ate oats, and with minimal reactions and the actual goodness of oats, I was able to 'feel full' after a meal of them. Three years down the track from my wonderful pregnancy with Angelina where I'd done all the bread-free work, and I'd slipped back into old habits. I can bake bread really well, and its a source of pride for me to produce this for me and my family, so it was difficult to bake this gorgeous smelling stuff and not sample some too...you know what I mean. Out of the oven comes a hightop loaf of wholemeal or tray after tray of vegetable Cornish pasties and it turns into Drool City. When I would see my babies all heartily tucking into the goodies I baked it made the world seem right. Baking tends to lend a certain atmosphere of comfort to a home.

Zipping forward to the pregnancy with Jeremy and I've again established a massive flare up of peri-oral dermatitis. Its awful. I feel like a baboon's arse, my face is red, inflammed, itchy and cringefully ugly to me. I desperately try every known trick I have and ask informed friends for their best take on what to do. Time and time again we return to pro-biotics and pre-biotics as the indications all point to massive internal imbalance. I even go so far as to try out MMS (water cleaning) treatment, but it was a little to much to take. What does help is the pro-biotics. I used Kefir milk. It's sour and zingy, creamy and wholesome. I like it but I don't like having to drink it. 'Consistency' is not my 'thing'. I help this by also using a pro-biotic vegetable powder (In-Liven by Miessence) but its made with greens that contain gluten, so I end up having my skin blow up from that. I go back to Kefir. Better. At this point, I am still eating bread (yeah! can you believe it?!) and having the pain reactions to it, but being pregnant and sometimes very hungry, I choose the quickest option and 'make a sandwich'. (this does cause me pain but I can explain it as indigestion of pregnancy...nice'n'tidy) In fact, we all can see, its not a quick option and not even the lazy option...that would have been a pear or an apple, which is what I did during Angelina's pregnancy.

Along comes Jeremy, birthed at home into water, and he's just beautiful. I enter this stretch of Motherhood with conscious foreboding. I look at him on the first night and shake my head, say to myself 'how am I going to do this when I feel like 'this'?', and we end up just 'getting on with it'. That's what I am good at. Perseverance. I persevere. If nothing else I am the Energiser Bunny...I'll just keep on keeping on. A couple of weeks in and we all know something is definitely wrong. A baby, any baby, shouldn't be able to produce this much wind. Its just in.sane. And me too! I can't get over how much bloating and wind I have. Its uncomfortable and unsociable. I read all I can about babies, gluten intolerance, dairy intolerance, and colic being a convenient way for us all just to keep on eating a standard western diet and dose our infants with colic mixtures. Tidy,...again. Society seems to enjoy tidiness.

Jeremy around four months old, and me ;) still sort of bloated...we've found gluten free bread, but I don't think it helps one to stay slim... ;\

This is like a red rag to a bull in my case. 'So I should just dose my bubba and hope it works?'. Like fuq I will. I know there is a solution, but it will be a difficult one for me to get my head around. I make no bones about it now. I am a product of conditioning from the society I was brought up in. I'll get past that too though,...one day soon. I try one week without dairy, and little effect (because I'm still eating bread) and then the next week with no bread. Well. After one 24hr stint of no bread Jeremy sleeps for four hours, peacefully, in the morning. I conclude, 'I am gluten intolerant and so is my baby'. Tah-dah!

Without gluten I become calmer. My skin clears up and I 'handle' stuff better. Now, all I need to do is get this bod into gear and balance the internals, because, yep, we've got thrush on a massive scale. Both baby and me. We clear it away with liquid and gluten free pro-biotic (Fast Tract from Miessence) some organic extra virgin coconut oil, a little colloidal silver and lots of fresh food. I am still on this particular 'journey' and this bacteria or parasite or whatever is stubbornly refusing to fuq off out of my system or at the very least calm down enough to be undetectable...so we are in a kind of def-con 5 situation with this little 'bastid' (or could that be 'blasto'?)...I'm starting Pokeroot Tincture in the coming week so will keep you posted on that little experiment too.

I notice from now on, that when I have a milk tea that Jeremy gets bad nappy rash. It manifests like his bowel is on fire..poor little chap gets red blistery like things around his anus...and so again I can conclude that at least for Jeremy 'my baby is dairy intolerant'.  I also observe that eggs make me feel queasy. They give me a pep of energy via the protein, but from what I am researching about gluten intolerance, it lends credence to the theory or research so far that gluten intolerant people seem to have difficulty processing certain proteins.

It is at this point I now know that Vegan and Gluten Free is going to be my future. Now starts the de-programming from a life so far of breads, standard grains, dairy and egg. Honey! omgoodness...I'll have to give up honey! damn. Then I discover maple syrup. ok!...its all ok again... ;)

More to come on my amazing Vegan and Gluten Free Journey in future posts! Stay tuned for amazing insights into Almonds, Cashews, and Brazil nuts (yum). The glory of Tahini. Wonderful wonderful Maple syrup and the joys of dried fruits and bliss balls. Banana and Spirulina smoothies, fresh organic herb teas, stacked green salads to make your mouth water,Chia Seed fantasticness and more :)

Blessings! xxx

Spirit Rescues

I've been dreaming up a storm since the Eclipse. MonDieu! The night of the flooding in Grantham I was 'hooned' into a vision. I had been deliberately not meditating because of all the calling out that was happening. I'd overwhelmed, so needed to step back and sort out home. Just on the edge of sleep someone swooped in and took me flying.

I do know I felt slightly irritated, adventurous, and curious as to why they'd done this kind of thing, coming in and extracting me uninvited. There was Purpose in this, but I didn't feel confident I was up to it. I relaxed, trusted in them, and went into the vision.

Taken to a highpoint in the sky overlooking the flooded landscape at the edge of sunset. The light peeping through a break of cloud on the horizon I saw the world as islands in water. Glinting light. Muddy colours and green everywhere. I saw rainbow shapes zooming up, turning, surveying and then swooping down quickly to the water. The savage rushing shown to me, but I know I wasn't near it, I was up high and safe. What where these rainbows doing? I looked and looked. One of them looked back to me, eyes met, and then I was 'on board' getting the 'birds-eye-view'. Down swiftly to the torrent, branches, trees, mud, things, and then the body. Broken and limp, caught in debris. Then, Pink and Violet 'fuzz' floating. I look down and see it caught in rainbow arms, or arm like shapes, as we soared higher and higher above it all.

Then the emotion. Then the feeling of utter exhaustion, utter depleted human energy, utter confusion. Rainbow shapes soothing the Pink and Violet fuzzy things. A retreat into slumber for it. A relaxing into the next journey.

I was being shown a Spirit Rescue.

So grateful. So overwhelmed with gratitude for being shown this thing that had been on my Mind and in my Heart. "who looks after the babies and the ones who aren't aware when they die? who shows them the way on?"

They are looked after. They are held in the arms of Angels and moved forward towards their New.

Solar Eclipse Dreams - Raggedy Hippy Guide

Have to write this down even though it doesn't seem to want to fade ...

In this dream I am in a country town in a time past, but it felt like somewhere just a bit further out from 'suburbia'. There were still lots of wooden houses, sheds and buildings that kind of 'homestead' like construction, and the people looked like they were 19th Century Australian immigrants. All homespun cotton and thick wool britches. The 'town' itself was tiny and quiet. Just a few streets with only one two storey building 'down the road' a bit. It was out of my sight but I knew it was there. The gum trees were still around. The land hand not been cleared, and the houses where slat shaks here and there, joined by dirt roads.

What clearly comes to mind is the texture of the roads. They are pathways about a two carts wide, and there are semi dried tracks all the way through them...as if it had rained hard a day or two ago, and the earth was drying out to a travelling ability for people and carts.

I meet up with some people and find they are friends. We chat, talk about travelling somewhere for something. The town is very quiet, these are the only people I see and they are standing under the awning of their shak. There is no-one in the street. As I turn to walk away I am for some unknown reason feeling like I need to get out of there quickly. Urgency begins to take over and I examine a white drawstring sack I've loaded up with stuff. Lolling that onto my back I trudge up the road and into the bush. The weather is hot and sunny, and I look forward to trees covering the road so I can get some shade, but as I walk the sun beats down on me, heating me, my skin seems to burn beneath my cotton shirt.

Raggedy Hippy Guide meets me there. He's kind of intensely perfect. His beard is short but his hair is long and caught up here and there with knots and ties. He's even got it shoved up under his hat which at first I think is like a Derby style, but when I get closer to him I see its a bashed up thing, torn and sun bleached. We greet each other, he lifts his hand to point at a coach on the road. Its full of beautiful dresses, chiffony things, with rouches and frills, rosettes and petticoats. Real girly stuf. The coach does not seem to have anyone about it. There are other things in there and we seem to put some of the smaller items in our bags.

The owners or protectors of the coach have been laying in wait, hiding, and then they pounce on us. We are chased and move up the road, through the bushland to a building. I think its an abandoned barn. We hide and time passes. We have moved on up the road to a small creek. My mind is asking why the trap was set. I can't understand it, but its not important anymore.

The creek place looks like a dip in the road near a park Mum and Dad used to take me to with the family when I was very little. The creek would often flood and we would be told not to go near it. We'd of course go down to have a look before coming back to the park to play cricket on the road strip. It was always a quiet park and we always had it to ourselves.

At the creek, Raggedy Hippy Guide washes and bathes in the water. I do too. We're so filthy and muddy, sweaty and hot, with red earth in all our clothes and in our hair, stuck into our pores, under our nails, in our ears. It takes ages to clean up. We work at our cleansing then we simply make love. This is my Guide for the rest of the journey I am told. He's with me, we're together now. That's it.

The blissful image of us lying naked on the creek bank, a bed of reeds underneath us and our washed clothes hung on plants and trees surrounding us. A fire crackles nearby and the sun is setting making a serene display of blue and orange. I think of how blue his eyes are, how nicely his dark dark hair goes with them, and this curly smile too. He sighs and lays back. And I fall asleep again, waking up in this life here now.

good shit

unlimited ultimate perfection easily

What it is, is the message communicated to me a couple of days ago regarding a problem I've been trying very hard to solve. I have been suffering with a dermatitis for years, on and off, feeling that even though it was a physical symptom, I could access it's 'release' by addressing the emotional and/or spiritual issue that triggered it.
After pretty much years of doing just this, I am pretty much out of any other things that I can readily think of to 'address'. So I had a long chat with myself. I said " Look, it's gotta stop, I can't take it anymore". And then - 'fffffffffff' in comes the little message above.
To me this meant something quite oblique, because I had used these words in affirmations regarding healing myself etc., but this time it unlocked it for me.

I have to use the spiritual to direct the physical.

So damn simple I almost cried. I've of course done this a hundred and one different ways, but not in the way that seems to be working now. :)
I've used meditation in a very directive way. I direct my body to stop detoxing via my skin, and only work efficiently through my kidneys and bladder, stomach/liver and intestines, to remove any toxic build up via excrement and urine. That's it. That's all I'm doing , and it's got results in one day. I'm directing my body to release the pressure on my skin by only detoxing via the internal organs and removing waste via my urine and excrement. (lets's just say that all together for effect - excrement)

So 'my body now detoxifies itself via my internal organs, removing the majority of waste via my urine and excrement'. It's so simple to remember and easy to say in the mind. :) I'm inputting things like 'my body is balanced and works efficiently in all ways' as well. Feels good!

Oh sweeeet synchronicity!

Ahw it's a great great thing when stuff comes together in a positive way.
Last year I had a tax agent prepare my tax return incorrectly, and it was causing a few headaches this year for me. So after TWO DAYS of trying to sort it out by myself with the help of the ATO I was at a point where I couldn't complete my return for this year, and I was possibly going to be up for a penalty fine from last year (which wasn't my bloody fault). Finally, I get to 'the helpful person' at the ATO and he explains that I really must go back to the tax agency and get them to ammend the previous return and sort it out.
'so do I have to pay them to do this?'
'I'm sorry, I'm unable to say what they may charge you for this' says the ATO 'helpful person'.
Great.
Off I go, make the appointment with tax agency who don't know what they're doing. My confidence in them to fix this is not high.
I front up to the appointment, but happily, as a course of 'how the universe works in strange and positive ways....', I have completely OD'd on Rescue Remedy because of the nausea from the pregancy, and am more Zenned than a Zen Monk. I am just like SO Zen. I AM Balance. I AM Calm. I AM Invincible, and all the world shall bow to my requests....

Ding-dong agent goes through the motions of excuses etc. 'I think last year they did X and Y to just save you money....' 'I think they were trying to make it simple and easy for you...'
Yeah, nice and simple. Two days of stress and worry and eurrgk. Gee, thanks. So he finishes the ammendment and says quietly without any kahunas at all...'um, I'll er just charge you $85 for that...'
I sit. In total Zen I say quietly.
'You're really going to charge me for that?'
And the pitiful wall falls. He says mumblingly, 'oh, alright, um yeah, it's ok, um I won't argue with you...we'll just leave it....'
Then a little chit chat ensued with him reiterating what a great deal he'd offered, and me reiterating that he could have got the full amount last year and this year if they'd done they're job properly. Very quietly though. Very calm.
So wonderful wonderful. For 85 bucks I'd expect a full therapeutic massage goddammit.

And the refund for that network company came through too. I will never do that again. So all's good. "Back to Norman", as the RugRats say...

Red Moon Eclipse Magic

During the week we had a full eclipse of the Moon and it turned a beautifully sacred shade of red, obtained a very overt 'spherical' appeal, and just made me feel queasy, but nice queasy....or that could have been a protein overload and sugar low due to the pregnancy....

however...

the real thing is that it produced a lot of 'aligning' energy.

Things just 'lined up' for a lot of people. (see Mystic Medusa's comments page here)

My own experience was quite groovy too.

I named my consultancy Holistic Therapy Connections with the intention that one day I might be able to run a boutique kind of advertising for practitioners of natural, traditional or alternative therapies, who were, like me, combining subtle therapies to produce long term health and progression. During the week prior to the eclipse I spoke with one of my sisters again about this concept and how I'd love to attract some interested people to advertise in the MiniZine now that I feel it has matured into a 'good enough' e-publication to access people who are specifically interested in this kind of healing.

The night of the eclipse I get a phonecall out of the blue from a lady in Victoria looking to obtain some advertising for her husband who is a holistic healer and will be running some workshops up here soon. And yes, could they pay me for an advertisement in the MiniZine?

Why yes, of course you may. :)

Then my teacher sends out her email regarding the 12 month sabbatical she is taking next year to write her book, and directs her entire mailing list (3000+ worldwide) to sign up for my MiniZine so that they can get 'more in-depth Flying Stars knowledge than I myself have ever gone into'. Well yay Carole. I've been a busy girl since. It also is just beautiful to have this boost to my mailing list so effortlessly. Effortless progression. Love it love it love it.

I love the Universe and the way it all works. So very cool baby.

And, I've made a gem essence using a gorgeous Elestial Quartz that had grown on a matrix of natural Citrine, and added a little Black Tourmaline as well. Matured over 5 nights of the Full Moon (2 nights before the Full and 2 nights after...) with the Mother Elixir made with Vodka to promote that clear clear clear pearly Moon energy. It just felt right...and it will be able to get used in room sprays as vibrational 'lifter, clearer, and nourisher' as it won't have the smell of Brandy, which is usually what the essences are made on.

It's currently being supercharged by a hexagonal matrix of Clear Quartz points, Reiki'd often, and sent some lovely healing, 'full-of-gratitude' kind of thoughts all the time too. It is so loved. :)

The Complexity of Movement....

Did a workshop today at the Gaurunga Meditation Centre in Brisbane. Fab.

We did a section of the workshop exploring Qigong or 'chi gung'. Fab also.

Couldn't believe how unco I am. :)

We attempted this one sequence called 'The Shaolin Archer', which involved some slide movement, some rounding energy ball movement, and some strong stretch movement with purposeful hand positions. Great, if you're slightly co-ordinated, which I thought I was. But I'm not yet. :)
The instructor for the morning session was this lovely guy called 'Sean', who is also an accupuncturist and does Chinese Herbal Medicine. (he plays the guitar and does his chanting mantra sort of groovy-like) He's also married to an impossibly beautiful girl, which he deserved, as he comes across as an entirely lovely lovely lovely MAN.
Anyway. I also couldn't do the arms revolving in different directions thing, which I KNOW I've been able to do before.

I was very good at the Yoga Nidra, and the nostril breathing and the chanting. (even got a compliment about my 'lovely voice' from one of the newbies, bless) You can count on me to relax and sing nicely. I'm there baby. Just don't expect me to do the whole psuedo martial art poses very effectively,...because I'm unco at the mo'.

My dear friend Michelle accompanied me to the day of meditation and exploration of various 'chi moving' modalites. We had a great time. Did some Thai massage on each other. She was so very respectful of the pressure she used because I'd been involved in a car accident on Monday. Unfortunately I respond to pain quite well so I was left feeling less than fulfilled by her Thai massage attempt.
I gave it to her full strength though. She's in good health. :)

Prayer Wheel

'Om Mani Padme Hum'

can be translated as, 'out of the deepest mud grows the most beautiful lotus'

Many Blessings to you all.

Hi! I'm here!

Putting up the Green Man on my garden wall was like a milestone for me. I felt a sense of welcoming myself into this place a little more, of inviting in those things that are part of ME a little more, and of making sure the other things that are already here can say hello to the old man and be assured I'm a friend.
He's up there, grinning de-pupiled eyes and leafy hair. Love him.
I conversed with the spirits of the trees over to the West the other day. They swayed a message of anticipation, of a birth to come and of making sure I stop and gather up some goodness. Being root Beings, I guess they know all about the need to exist in one space to nourish, yet be able to stretch all the way to places only a few ever reach. And I must admit I have been running around a bit in my head and in my life. I have been missing the stopping and soaking up. And I haven't been feeling my Self very much in the last week or so.
Not suprisingly all this led to a major love-in with my Vetiver Oil. I annointed my big dining table and have been rubbing it into my wrists and the soles of my feet all the damn time! So blissed out and grounded.

Reiki me baby

Received my Reiki I and II yesterday. My tutor says she has never done two attunements like this for anyone, but because I've done the energy work before and hands on healing, she felt that I was going to have no trouble coping with Reiki. I felt so.... proud of myself, and so grateful to her for trusting in me.

So, good. I received some very vivid and beautiful visions during the first and second attunements, and I am so very grateful and, just tickled pink, to have been given them. :)) Kali came in very strong on the first attunement. Beautiful, powerful, laden eyes opening and closing as the energy came through. Then I was given a vision of my energy/essence cloaked in a golden coat of feathers that were glowing with energy force, on the second attunement. Very calming though. The first attunement also had a nice physical effect when the symbols were put into my palms. The feeling is quite undescribable, but, it sort of felt like 'fuzzzy lightening' going in and then up my arms. Just so cool! :)

I'm just going to float around for the next month or two on those memories. We also were able to perform a powerful healing on my friend (she's just left her wank of a husband) who is going through a very tough changing period right now. Hence, I feel, the reason for Kali's strong presence within me on the day. We were weeping with her as she was releasing the grief that had been wracking her being. It was quite a baptism of fire for all of us. :) Not to worry. All for a good reason. We saw just how useful, and necessary this technique is.

So yes. A big day. We did five healings as a group on each of us. Talk about molto bene mojo.

- the graphic is from a website I can't remember. to the artist I send full credit for a nice representation of the energy body :)