Cathartic Revelations...and other waking nightmares

I've been undergoing a detox for about four days now.
It's been prempted by some yucky feelings. Bit of self-loathing going on and a bit of soul-mining, which can always be a little painful. I consider this when I look at an open-cut mining operation and think 'surely this hurts Mumma Earth?'. Just laying bare the layers and exposing them to the elements...things are going to get blown away as dust and detritus...obviously.

This morning after a relatively normal night of sleep-wake-sleep-shuffle-sleep and then the pitch *down* into the subconscious, I found myself having the most purgative experience.

I was in a kind of meeting place, where my children were 'off' with someone else, or a group of kids doing some activity. It felt like a municipal building...like a library with a 'kids play room' or 'facility for learning activities' (or other such inane name for and inside learning place). The decor was dark, royal blue carpet, 'panels' for walls and that aluminium stripping on the connections. Doors with glass inclusions so no-one can do anything without being watched...that kind of place.

I was very, very sad. Not the sort of depression that is from dysfunction or trauma, but a deep apathy, a soul-wrenching ache and a longing to be free of it. I wasn't usually like this, I was angry at this moment.
A lady walked up to me and said "Well, she's like this because you never TAKE her to the Yeronga centre, and she never gets to be with....", she'd kept talking but I'd just put my hands over my ears and began to weep while walking swiftly away. (Yeronga is a suburb in Brisbane where there are colleges and schools, and maybe I've associated this with 'corrective learning')

Then *zip*, and I am in a circle group setting. Other parents are lighting a pizza topped with oil and making the flame go around on top of it to the delight of the kids and adults. All this frivolity and 'learning' about flammability...chemical reactions...oooh the technology... yet I am sitting in the corner so deflated. I am a person who has no air. I am a mother without her children around her. I can't see them. I can't feel them. I can't even sense where they are. My eyes weep tears and I have no control over it. I can't smile I can't even muster a smile or a mask. I am laid bare. Open to the elements around me.

My gaze travels around the group and I meet some concerned eyes, and one woman with dark hair and the sort of face you meet in counselling sessions grabs my focus. She is full of empathy and so worried. The emotion scares the hell out of me but I don't even flinch. I move my gaze onwards and then fall back onto a pillow, weeping from my gut, wrenched out sobs that eventually wake me up.

Oh god, the utter emptiness I felt when I woke.
Near to tears for real and wondering who that sad woman was.
I sense my past and realise I've let a lot of fear go.
I used to be depressed. Clinically depressed. I used to wear a mask and it damaged me.
I used to be that poor poor woman, and she knew what you were thinking of her.

I breathe deeply and pull up the covers. Across the room my little girl shuffles and sighs. I hear my baby boy in the next room wake his Daddy up with a cranky demand and then hear the patter of feet up the hallway.
"MUM! Is morning NOW! MUM! IS MORNING now!" he says, and then snuggles in before saying, "Mummm, get out mine bed! my turn in 'ere".

Smiling, I shift myself out of his bed, and begin the day. Life is good, even if you're woken up in this manner.

Just gonna leave it all up to Heaven

Patterns in Life reoccurring...

we get financially 'ok', feel good, start to get those restless feet.
move house. usually to somewhere we deep down know we can't afford.
financially fuq up to a massive degree.
usually there is a new baby in the mix somewhere ready to be born or just arrived.
therefore sleep dep is prevalent.
therefore my head doesn't f ing work properly.

is this all Perception skewed or am I really having yet another 'pattern cycle' occurrence?

damn it...

Surely we've got enough 'universal brownie points' to qualify for even a moderate win on the Lotto to pull us out of the crap this time? yes?

Hmmm?

So, gonna leave it all up to Heaven, and let the Angels take care of it all in Perfect Ways.

When I'm in these moments of panicked reflection, I remember that it makes me not take notice of all those things that ARE really important...like how fast and cute Wil is, how his blonde curls weren't ever going to last forever, and how much I appreciate loving them for as long as they lasted :)

Are we 'living online' a little too much?

I was considering the other day that my journalling has been quite lacking in the last couple of years. Obviously, new baby did have something to do with that, but I pushed aside the responsibility of the monthly newsletter to provide me with more time to create, be with the children, home-educate, etc...and then,...where is this life being recorded?
Just to prove that Facebook CAN suck the creativity out of you before you notice where its gone....these are a collection of some of my posts on Facebook over the last couple of months only....it was eye-opening for me to see the kind of 'affirmation gold' and snippets of life I wasn't journalling anymore.


Gratitude: When I feel crappy, weak or irritated it makes me think of when I'm happy, strong and calm :) And I think to myself, "I won't always feel this crappy,...soon I feel good again", and instantly I'm looking forward to feeling great.

Om is Divine Connection... :)


There is sincerely so much to be grateful for...I wonder why I didn't do this earlier :) perhaps I was stuck in the 'observation deck' of my ivory tower ;))

What crazy and amazing thing have you got planned for me today world? :)


Ice cold air
Nips at my toes
like small fish


Sparkly lights,
fall on my eyes,
like Blessings.

Mind Yoga for today: Immerse yourself in memories of what you daydreamed as a child. Child-Mind gifts :}

William has been writing and trying to spell and do his letters nicely...overheard this in the backseat today from Wil to Charlie, "Hey Charlie? see that 'S' I just did?? yeah, nice isn't it...its a really good 'S' hey..." Makes me think of 'Strongbad'...I think they are watching too much YouTube... ;]

"I am Abundant with Knowledge and Solutions"

"Everything I no longer need makes its way easily out of my Life, in Perfect Ways"

"I have all the Time to do anything I want to"

"I think therefore I draw"

 All my art is an expression of something within, and a reflection of it too...

Listening to Rob take care of Angelina tonight and thought, 'Here's one of the few things you never thought you'd hear yourself say, ... until you have a baby'. "Just sit there and finish quietly so I can wipe your bum" Parenthood GOLD...

"My body always knows what's best for me right now."

Just read David Wolfe's post and was thinking 'man, this dude is nearly as busy as I am!' :)) and I'm still motoring on on a Saturday afternoon!! woohoo, life rolls and rocks and wobbles and rights... ;D

Swollen with the realisation of Bliss...what a good place for my Mind to reside at.

Barefoot, by the seaside, virtually ALL day. Fricken fantastique!

Summer and AJ were bickering yesterday and Nicholas calmly said to them "be peace...be in harmony"....he told me later that he got that expression from Wil. Nicholas has obviously picked up on Wil's harmony too as he has been calmer since we last saw you. (amazing!)

Wil put a Pirate (temporary) treasure chest tattoo on Angelina's bum today....what will they get up to when they're older???!

Wil just wrote a whole letter to his new friend, without prompting, without supervision, and it just looks great :) He put it in the bottle he found at the beach yesterday and called it his 'message in a bottle', ("you know Mum?..like the song?", "yeah, I know the song Wil..thanks")

"I now choose to embrace Beautiful Change and invite New Experiences into my Life in Perfect Ways"

"When Honesty is shared, it blooms profoundly, encompassing all of those who wish to embrace it."
...because we're all here with this thing called reality trying to bend it to our perspective. Sometimes we bend so hard it flips back up in our faces with a resounding *smack!*

'The world turns, and groans, and stretches, shaking the land and the sea, as it has always done as it always will be. That we exist here on this planet, on its orbit in this position from the Sun, is a feat of immense Perfection. Peace to the Beings moving to another place, another space, and compassion to those in the unknowing, in grief and feeling Loss'

"Our Perception of any space alters the events that occur within it. Because of this the way we create our spaces; and for us in this reality, our immediate living spaces and environment, has a huge impact upon our health, wealth and happiness"

"If I am here now, it is because I am fulfilling and infinite plan of Being. Within this Life I can be immensely Powerful, Compassionate and completely in control of my Emotions and Actions. I can do whatever I want and have whatever I want. It is all here to be gifted towards my Life. I am Abundance. I am Perfection. I am the Perfect Me." notes, 7.3.2011

Dragonfly Wings, Moss, Green, Mist, Old Bark, Lichen, pale sunlight and a pervading sense of Quiet...

... just sitting back, allowing things to unfold, as they do...

* We are Infinitely Powerful *




Jannette Tibbs ‎"The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world." -Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983)

 

 

Remembering Places of Green

There's a dip in the road
on the way to my Grandmother's house
where the Willow tree bends its
long long leaves, on long long branches
down over the charcoal bitumen
Its trunk stuck deep into the creek bank mud
anchored well against the rush of
thunderstorm swellings
that spill over the road, making a river
the muddy wash and pebbles and stones
green fern, green algae, green leaves
in the dip in the road
on the way to my Grandmother's house.

We had two pine trees
out the front of my house
that had dark, black bark, rough and nubbly
it tore at my skin as I climbed
and my dress was far to good for climbing
but my bare feet gripped the trunk
and I could get up to the branches
by jumping up on the rocks
covered in lichen stains
where we'd catch green tree frogs
tiny ones, that skipped over my skin
onto my dress, to rest in my palm
then we'd scratch the bark off to let the
sap flow, and collect the amber gooey
to dry and use as treasure
from the pine trees
that were at the front of my house.

The rainforest was my favourite trip
because of the walk down the tracks
where I had to wear 'good shoes'
so they could get muddy
and then I could clean off
the rich red sludge

from the walk down the tracks
through the rainforest.

My tree was a 'leopard tree'
at the corner of the concrete slab
my Dad had layed years ago
next to the natural spring
at the back of our yard, near the fence
where I played with my brother's
cars and trucks and animals
making garages and houses in the
hollows of the tree roots
digging out the rich black and red soil
making roads with my spade
under my leopard tree
at the corner of the concrete slab.

The field that had clover patches with buzzing bees
and sweet smelling grass across the road
often threshed by the old man and
his loud, smelly tractor
where we'd make 'houses' of hay
not noticing that we'd scared
the black and brown snakes away
with our raucous playing,
racing the tricycle around,
"yahooing and carrying on" as
my parents used to say when
we came home from playing
on the field with clover patches and buzzing bees
and sweet smelling grass across the road.