helter skelter

Ok, no, I'm not going through another phase of having continuous hits playing in my head, but this phrase does sorta sum up the last few days.

I went with my sisters (all three of them) to have a photo taken by a wonderful photographer, Chris Osbourne, who is doing a study of several sisters over 10year intervals. This weekend was our 10 year mark. We all went along to his groovy house, talked with him and his groovy partner, enjoyed some fine quality coffee and generally had a rad ol time....
then he showed us the photo,..........the one and only photo, that he'd kept from the last sitting 10 years ago.

We weren't being precious, or pretentious, or overly sensitive, but..........WTF was this man thinking!!!

He had saved the one photo from that whole shoot that we all disliked!
It was violently amazing.
Then I time travelled.

I went back 10 years to a time when life pretty much sucked, but on the 'outside' I was 'doing the right thing' with a steady job, a new husband. Completely fucked in the head at this point now. On the 'inside' at that time in my life I was struggling with 'being' married, massive alcohol and drug addiction (and weaning off another kind of drug), depression, restlessness, dissatisfaction with life in general. DWLIG for short.

So DWLIG came to rest in my being and I had a massive implosion that night. Made my lovely husband reveal his true capacity for affection to me (just shy of nil), scared my children by seeing mummy cry, offended my husband again, apparently offended my mother in law who is staying with us, shocked myself with how 'not in control' I was, .............. but eventually came to rest at 'being proud of being true to my feelings'. Not a bad place to land eh?

The next day wasn't much better with Dear Husband being upset that I could be so selfish and actually give in to my inner feelings. How dare I not be strong and just cope! Sheesh! Put up with a lot of distress from a few directions. Then I cleaned up the kids' room, cleaned up my room, had a day at home and got the newsletter done, and felt accomplished. Then Husband was nasty again, but now he is in 'it never happened' mode.

Let's just leave it there shall we?

xxx

It's the time of year, and with the rain and all, I almost neglected my own flesh and blood to lay in bed with a book. ahhhh. but twas not to be. mother in law coming over an' all. cleaning house. bugger.
She's a lovely woman. But I don't like anyone staying in my house for two whole months. Just irks me. I love the 'guest room' too. It has my cloud watching window. I will have to watch my clouds from the balcony now......

Going out of orbit

I attended my feng shui teacher's annual workshop on the weekend, and for once, I have to say I was not impressed. This is a 'big thing', really, because I have always been impressed with her. Even if she smiles I'm impressed! you know what I mean?

So I am left with this disappointment deep within. This kind of 'end of an era' feeling,............ which on the flipside of the crap critism and guilt and feelings of loss, actually reminds me that new things are therefore coming in. So it's all ok really.....really.

My lovely teacher has been the source of so many inspirations. She emits an 'inspirational field', and I just love her for it. This year she is 'going global' as she puts it. Publishing a holistic feng shui book and distributing a detox product from a global business. Nothing upsetting me at all about any of that, but she did not put as much into this workshop and she overbooked it, so we all missed out on that small intimate connection you get with a dozen people and a teacher.

(covens, Jesus and apostles kind of thing)

The analogy that clearly came up in my mind was of a bright shining comet that we all love to gaze at and that fills us with 'big' thoughts and wonder, then it night by night fades and continues on it's orbit. It's not gone but we just won't get the benefits of watching and wondering anymore,..for a very long time anyway.

She's often been told that her spirit self is 'galactic'. More than one metaphysical interpreter has let her know she is from another star galaxy of this universe. And you know, usually I 'smile and nod' at people when they say this, not because I don't believe them, but because no-one can prove otherwise, and I'm ok with it. (be from another galaxy! see if I care!) With her though, there is just this otherness that so clashes with the human you see before you, and the warmth she has, and the flaws she has.

Ah anyway. End of an era. Bye bye, stay in touch, keep sending me inspiration from my memories. *sigh*